So I've come to realize I'm about as good at blogging as I am at writing a journal. LOL I mean I love to get my feelings out on paper or on line but I never have the time it feels like. I'm constantly doing something or should be doing something else. I finally forced myself to sit down and make another post!
I'm not sure exactly what I want this blog to be about in the long run. I mainly needed to write things out and get them off my chest. Lately I've been holding a lot of stuff in. By stuff I mean things I've been thinking... I've been so stressed and confused it's not even funny. I just celebrated turning 26 years old.... That's honestly not a problem but every year I think about where my life is at and where I always dreamed it would be. It's always a slap in the face for me. I mean who has all these plans at one point in their life but then they turn around and life is nothing like what they planned? I used to dream that I would be a lawyer, or a music producer by this time in my life... Well that's not exactly where I'm at, and I'm not so sure that's even what I want anymore. I've been looking into going back to college for a little over 6 months now... It's a tough decision for me because I can't see myself in any sort of profession. So I've hit a road block yet again. On top of that I'm confused by certain people in my life right now. I'm being told that someone I care about is still in love with me... Which is a great feeling but he hurt me more than I can ever really explain. I'm not so sure what I feel anymore when it comes to him other than I still care if he's happy or not. I'm not in love with him anymore and I don't see myself ever falling back in love with him. It was hard to tell him that because I didn't want to hurt him. Overall though I figured it wasn't fair to not tell him where I stood either. Which is what I did, and now I'm feeling "bad" for hurting him. I've never been the person to break someone's heart. At least not to my knowledge... But I'm fully aware that I broke his heart. Which kinda breaks mine in return... I know messed up right? He hurt me way worse than me being honest with him and I'm feeling bad about that.
Which I guess leads to my next rant about how much I'm trying to change my life.... I love where my life is right now, don't get me wrong. I'm just wanting more. I'm 26 years old. It's time for me to look at the bigger picture again. I love the people I have in my life, the support they give me is amazing. I'm just wanting to make more out of myself. I want to feel proud of what I do everyday. I'm learning new things about myself every time I turn around. Which is great but I want those people that support me to know that they're supporting someone who supports myself. I'm constantly being told how great of a person I am, and that I'm truly amazing. Which I know, but sometimes I forget that because I'm constantly relying on other people. I know, this kinda sounds like a poor me post... But I'm just trying to give myself a little stress relief before the new things happen!
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
A generic name... But hopefully an interesting story!
Hello all! My name is Cassandra but my friends call me Cassy. I'm currently 25 years old and have experienced a lot for someone so "young". To start off I've lost a sibling to cancer, went through a terrible divorce for my parents, have been overweight my entire life, and am more recently dealing with a cancer scare myself. That's just the tip of the iceberg... Most people reading this probably are friends or family and they know all that I've been through, those who are now getting to know me probably will have lots of questions. I'm not doing this for anyone but myself at this time because of everything going through my head. I just needed a way of venting and getting all the randomness out. So let's get started!
First thing, I still miss my sister everyday. She died of cancer just over 8 years ago. She lost the fight when she was very young. She was diagnosed when she was 12 years old. After a very long 18 months she passed away. Many people deal with this type of loss and it's nice to have people to talk to about it. For a long time I couldn't deal with the fact that she had died. I spent months depressed and then started to rebel. I was already 18 at this time but I ended up hanging out with an older crowd and drank a lot. I also got into smoking weed, which I've since given up. I did a lot of thinking and realized that life is too short to let things go by in a haze, literally. My brother even resorted to telling me that I was better off dead than she was. That was a huge eye opener. I now think about what my sister would be doing with her life and wonder if she would approve of what I have done in the past. I know in my heart that she would be happy if she were still with us. She would have accomplished great things!
Next, my parents divorce hit me hard. I always looked up to their relationship growing up. They met in high school and were married right after my mom graduated. I always thought that meant that there was true love out there and you could find it at any age. Well after the death of my sister their relationship changed, which is to be expected. I can't imagine the loss that they each feel everyday for losing her. A couple of years after my sister's death my mom had gastric bypass done. This procedure caused further issues for my parents. Now I wasn't the best kid a parent could ask for, but my parents and I didn't have a very close relationship at this time. My mom turned into my best friend and we went out to the bar together all the time. Well things ended up getting to the point that my parents could no longer deal with the issues they had and decided that a divorce was the only option. For a long time, I felt that I had to chose sides and would almost alternate which side I chose every few months. Well after about a year of this I decided that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I now live with a friend and his family. This is the best thing I could have done at that time in my life. It has helped me to develop relationships with both my mom and dad on my own without having to choose.
My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when I didn't weigh over 200 pounds. Now with that being said, I've been a very confident person for most of my life too. I have my weak days but I always try to remember who I am at the core. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if someone can't accept me for who I am than what I look like shouldn't matter. Although I have this sureness of myself, I have medical issues that have been a problem for a long time. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and am starting to develop high cholesterol at the age of 25. This is scary for me because high cholesterol and diabetes run in my family. So I've begun looking into the process of gastric bypass myself to become an even healthier me.
Now for my cancer scare... I found a lump in my breast just over a week ago. I've gone to the doctor and had an ultrasound performed on it. The radiologist informed me that it's most likely just an enlarged lymph node due to infection. They have a plan of having me wait for a month and go back in for another ultrasound to see if there is any change. The word cancer is like a death sentence to me. The radiologist did mention that there is a possibility that it could be cancer but that my age makes him weary about it. Now I understand what he's saying but cancer has no age. There are children born everyday that are diagnosed with cancer and they're hours old. Who's to say 25 is too young?? My little sister was diagnosed at 12... Again is 25 really too young?? So my mind is now racing all the time due to the waiting game. I've decided that I want to go in and get the lymph node biopsied before the month is over. I would rather know the answers than to wait and still have the same outcome a month from now.
So as I said earlier, this is more for my benefit but I thought I'd let you all in on my past so that when I start my rantings later on you have an idea. I'm sure my next post will be a little more in depth about myself but no one knows for sure! This is a day in the life of me!! Welcome to the story!
First thing, I still miss my sister everyday. She died of cancer just over 8 years ago. She lost the fight when she was very young. She was diagnosed when she was 12 years old. After a very long 18 months she passed away. Many people deal with this type of loss and it's nice to have people to talk to about it. For a long time I couldn't deal with the fact that she had died. I spent months depressed and then started to rebel. I was already 18 at this time but I ended up hanging out with an older crowd and drank a lot. I also got into smoking weed, which I've since given up. I did a lot of thinking and realized that life is too short to let things go by in a haze, literally. My brother even resorted to telling me that I was better off dead than she was. That was a huge eye opener. I now think about what my sister would be doing with her life and wonder if she would approve of what I have done in the past. I know in my heart that she would be happy if she were still with us. She would have accomplished great things!
Next, my parents divorce hit me hard. I always looked up to their relationship growing up. They met in high school and were married right after my mom graduated. I always thought that meant that there was true love out there and you could find it at any age. Well after the death of my sister their relationship changed, which is to be expected. I can't imagine the loss that they each feel everyday for losing her. A couple of years after my sister's death my mom had gastric bypass done. This procedure caused further issues for my parents. Now I wasn't the best kid a parent could ask for, but my parents and I didn't have a very close relationship at this time. My mom turned into my best friend and we went out to the bar together all the time. Well things ended up getting to the point that my parents could no longer deal with the issues they had and decided that a divorce was the only option. For a long time, I felt that I had to chose sides and would almost alternate which side I chose every few months. Well after about a year of this I decided that I wasn't going to do this anymore. I now live with a friend and his family. This is the best thing I could have done at that time in my life. It has helped me to develop relationships with both my mom and dad on my own without having to choose.
My weight has been an issue for as long as I can remember. I can't remember a time when I didn't weigh over 200 pounds. Now with that being said, I've been a very confident person for most of my life too. I have my weak days but I always try to remember who I am at the core. I'm a firm believer in the fact that if someone can't accept me for who I am than what I look like shouldn't matter. Although I have this sureness of myself, I have medical issues that have been a problem for a long time. I have poly cystic ovarian syndrome and am starting to develop high cholesterol at the age of 25. This is scary for me because high cholesterol and diabetes run in my family. So I've begun looking into the process of gastric bypass myself to become an even healthier me.
Now for my cancer scare... I found a lump in my breast just over a week ago. I've gone to the doctor and had an ultrasound performed on it. The radiologist informed me that it's most likely just an enlarged lymph node due to infection. They have a plan of having me wait for a month and go back in for another ultrasound to see if there is any change. The word cancer is like a death sentence to me. The radiologist did mention that there is a possibility that it could be cancer but that my age makes him weary about it. Now I understand what he's saying but cancer has no age. There are children born everyday that are diagnosed with cancer and they're hours old. Who's to say 25 is too young?? My little sister was diagnosed at 12... Again is 25 really too young?? So my mind is now racing all the time due to the waiting game. I've decided that I want to go in and get the lymph node biopsied before the month is over. I would rather know the answers than to wait and still have the same outcome a month from now.
So as I said earlier, this is more for my benefit but I thought I'd let you all in on my past so that when I start my rantings later on you have an idea. I'm sure my next post will be a little more in depth about myself but no one knows for sure! This is a day in the life of me!! Welcome to the story!
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